My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
