I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
