please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
