do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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