well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
