She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
