Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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