The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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