WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
