I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
