Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
