There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
