wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
