he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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