you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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