is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
