If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
