my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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