wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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