There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
