HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
