she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
