i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
