Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dear god my vagina.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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