Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
