What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
