2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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