ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
