That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
