Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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