oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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