found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
