You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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