Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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