I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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