in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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