why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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