When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
