Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it because I queefed?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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