My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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