Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just invented taco cereal.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
