If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
