I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
