so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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