Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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