My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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