some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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