Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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