My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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