Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
