i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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