I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
