I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
