yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
